


egoismus

by neverwantedtodance



Series: Femslash Drabbles [20]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Drabble, F/F, Femslash, Introspection, Possibly Unrequited Love, set during episode 23
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 19:40:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10315544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverwantedtodance/pseuds/neverwantedtodance
Summary: self·ish/ˈselfiSH/adjective(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.Hikari reflects on her selfish desires.





	

**Author's Note:**

> idk man  
> i finished rewatching the series this weekend and i feel like hikari needs more love so i wrote this in like twenty minutes orz  
> this is unbeta'd so any mistakes are on me

The clock ticked on the wall, counting down the seconds. Hikari breathes in and out, trying to match the time to her methodical inhales and exhales. If she focuses, she can calm herself down. She still hasn't adjusted to the weight of Asuka next to her, and she can hear the other girl's breathing in the silent darkness. If she breathes loud enough, she can counter it, like a competition to see which one of them is more alive.  
She shifts, trying to get comfortable. Asuka really hasn't been herself. She doesn't really understand what's going on with her friend, but that's what Asuka is to her: a friend. So she'll help her with whatever. Give her a place to stay. Let her play video games all day until the blue light burns Hikari's eyes. Hold her hand in the dark if she asks (she never does).  
Hikari frowns. She doesn't understand at all. Just a kid, like her sisters always said she was. A good little housewife, making the lunch and cleaning the house, but still. Just a little girl who can't make her friend smile.  
Asuka used to be vibrant, indestructible, like a wildfire spreading through Hikari's dystopian life and making it electric. This silent body that sits next to her ... is it really her friend at all?

She shakes her head. _I shouldn’t think like that_. Asuka is sleeping right there beside her - her warm body close but not too close to Hikari’s and the tiny sounds she makes - she’s there. She’s present. She’s just …

 _She’s hurting_ . _And I can’t do anything_. Not an Eva pilot, not Kaji-san, just Hikari.

What would she even do? She can’t even begin to understand how Asuka’s feeling, how could she possibly make her feel better?

The girl beside her stirs, and Hikari freezes. _Stupid, she can’t hear you thinking_. Her eyes dart to the clock. It’s around quarter to one. Hikari usually never stays up this late, but Asuka’s been keeping her up for a few nights in a row. She can hear the soft sounds of music coming from the television; one of her sisters must still be up. Tokyo-3 is often silent at night. It leaves more time to think.

Asuka stirs beside her again and Hikari turns to face her, expecting nothing, so it’s all she can do not to scream when she sees Asuka looking straight at her, wide awake.

“Asuka?” she whispers.

Asuka blinked, her blue eyes almost unfocused. Then she snaps into concentration and locks on to Hikari. It’s unsettling - to be looked at by a friend like you’re the next inhuman monster they’ll be fighting.

“Does it bother you that I’m here, Hikari?” she finally whispers. Outside the room, the sounds of people turning of the TV and going to bed can be heard.

“O-of course not. I told you, you’re welcome to stay as long as you want.” She knows that this can’t be helping, that Asuka must really, _really_ need help that a kid like Hikari can’t give but …

When she thinks of Asuka, she knows, selfishly, that she wants to keep her as close to her as possible. She just wants to relive those days with Asuka where they’d talk in the park until gone five o’clock, eating ice cream in the summer heat, or when playing video games against her was actually fun. Asuka was boisterous and vivid and she’d try and wrestle Hikari to distract her. Hikari would let her touch her, because it was Asuka and they were best friends, and she finally had someone close to her.

It was selfish, and she hated herself, but she couldn’t sacrifice this closeness, even if it would hurt them both in the end. She wanted to help Asuka, wanted to show her how much she cared and supported her. But inside, all she really wanted was to be close to Asuka like she used to, for everything to be happy once again. Selfish, selfish Hikari.

She closed her eyes and swallowed. “I _want_ you to stay as long as you want,” she said, her emotions bubbling to the surface.

Asuka was silent. Hikari glanced at her. Her eyes had lost focus again, gone dull, and she was staring beyond Hikari and at the door.

“Thank you, Hikari,” she said in a quiet voice that was so unlike the Asuka Hikari loved and knew that she wanted to scream.

Instead she turned over onto her back again.

The loss of weight she felt startled her until she realised Asuka had gotten up.

“I’m going to go watch TV outside,” she said monotonously.

“Okay,” Hikari answered, trying to keep her voice even, but it cracked at the last minute. Asuka didn’t notice at all, closing the door on her way out.

She sighed, moving over to the middle of the bed. It was unlikely her friend was coming back again tonight. The warmth of where Asuka had been lying didn’t make her feel better at all.


End file.
